dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize