If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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