I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
