I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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