i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
