shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
