Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
