bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize