You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
