Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize