Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't deserve a penis
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
