Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So much rum. So many feels.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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