This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
