So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
