Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
