I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
