Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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