if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
