i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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