Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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