just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
