also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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