I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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