i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
