On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
