cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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