If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
