I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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