he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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