An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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