if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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