Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
