She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
