Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
