a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
