He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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