Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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