mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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