He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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