Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
