dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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