I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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