the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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