My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
