i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
