i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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