a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
