i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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