I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
