My nipple is on Facebook.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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