Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
