i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
