It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
