k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
