I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
