I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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