Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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