So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
