Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
